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Tycho / on Wed, Jun 2 2021 at 12:01 am

The strip is a response to a tweet from renowned tennis person Naomi Osaka. I don't really follow the sport; I'm more of a ping-pong or pickleball man myself, pickleball being the twisted hybrid of the other two. Anyway, the tweet:

And it's like… yeah. Yes. That accurately describes reality as I see it. And they need her - not the other way around. Marshawn Lynch developed a potent science for managing this shit, playing just enough of thir stupid game to get by. The people running this tournament have succeeded only in ensuring a poorer, less competitive event. As for the press, this cadre's purpose is either to rebroadcast what she said, or interpret it with minimal charity. We haven't required this service for a minute now. They can go fuck the devil in hell.

If you want to interview me though, playing golf by myself, I'll be available from 2pm PDT to 4 on our own channel until next week when all of my golf friends get back. Last time, Ryan "The Hartmaniac" Hartman whisked me away about halfway through to play Knockout City and it's entirely possible he'll do it again. The only difference between the sports really is that the ball in Knockout City is larger than the golf one, and the hole is not in the ground but is instead your opponent's filthy mouth.

(CW)TB out.

Tycho / on Mon, May 31 2021 at 12:01 am

I think we can say with some degree of certainty that Twitter has systematically elevated fringe positions and granted sociopaths - whose feeding grounds have typically been constrained by natural factors - a global remit. This barely constitutes an "observation." It's a fairly simple transform executed on the absolute edges of the signal, what these instruments are painstakingly designed to do, and we get to live in the chasm that has opened between them. Imagine if a sore could have sores. It's a hellscape that gleefully commingles Dante's Inferno and a high school cafeteria.

You can say, well, what about all the good things that happened? What about all the X, where X equals something that isn't a leash getting caught in a chipper shredder, inexorably hauling in a beloved pet? Yeah, people are pretty cool, I agree. They can surprise you. And they can project their incandescent humanity even in the hideous arena our overlords have built around us.

But subbing for it? And getting deeply ordinary, almost rude not to include features in exchange? Get the fuck out of here.

(CW)TB out.

Tycho / on Fri, May 28 2021 at 12:01 am

As I type this, I have a box behind me that is itself filled with smaller boxes. Inside each of these boxes is a tiny plastic person, or some festoon of their war raiment, all of which rest atomized on the sprue as they await their manufacture. I invest my Tuesdays on Gabe's Gunpla stream, where I think it can be reasonably said he is putting our entire streaming operation at risk. Just look at this filth:

I told him - I was like, "Man, kids watch this stuff." A young man is gonna see that that stream, start searching for ailerons on Google or some shit and end up on the roof trying to fuck a satellite dish. We've seen this play out too many times.

Prepare yourself for the raucous onslaught that is the most popular Motorsport Manager stream at 2pm PDT on Twitch. Gabir Motors, proud member of the Dragon Race Team China family of global automotive brands, literally shit the bed immediately after asking Chairperson Bo Chonglin for millions of dollars. We just have to straight up replace the bed - there's no saving this bed. It's more shit than bed, now. Most of our carefully engineered new parts were still hot from the oven and doughy in the middle, inappropriate or unwelcome in a vehicle a person is supposed to drive in. But this week, said new parts have developed that golden crust that hints at possible inclusion in a production vehicle. That gonna be enough? Or is Chairperson Bo Chonglin going to kick us directly in the sternum in such a way that everything that is currently inside our body comes out? Find out with us, today at 2pm.

(CW)TB out.

Gabe / on Thu, May 27 2021 at 12:01 am

1 Year of the PA League

Today marks the one year anniversary of the Penny Arcade iRacing league! It’s important to note here at the one year mark that this could not have happened without the hard work of the league admins who have been organizing all the races and managing the league Discord. I honestly just get to show up and have fun because of their hard work. So I’d like to give a big thank you from Mike Racecar, all the drivers and the entire Pit Crew to Skiggity, BeastGP, Draxond and Brainling for making it all happen. We are still accepting new drivers just look us up in the iRacing league directory. I've seen a bunch of new faces on the track and in the Pit Crew recently which is awesome. It's not too late to get in on the action!

In order to celebrate, I managed to get a bunch of codes for iRacing that are good for a 1 year subscription. I’ll be dishing those out to folks in the chat tonight so come join us when the Pit Crew opens on Twitch at 7:10PT. We will be starting with the Stream Racer pre-show which was such a hit last week, that we also ended the show with it. At some point I fully expect people to just want to play Stream Racer all night.  

-Gabe out

Tycho / on Wed, May 26 2021 at 12:01 am

Army of the Dead is an eighties homage through and through, and redeploys large portions of Aliens without even filing off the serials. It's exactly what I expected, except in the moments it surprised me, but I think my expectations for (and let's go down the list)

1. A Zach Snyder
2. Zombie
3. Heist movie
4. In Las Vegas

exist at a threshold that can be exceeded without any acrobatic maneuvers. This is the movie equivalent of something you would order at a drive-thru from the back seat of a friend's car when you were still super fucked up off that shit at Tracy's party. Like - and they can hear you through the driver's side window - you want a Cheesy Gordita Crunch, but you want another taco shell on the outside and you want the one on the inside to be the Dorito one. Kinda feel like I'm outing myself here. Believe it or not, I don't mean any of this to denigrate the movie. At least it fucking knows what it is, and what they can do with the budget they had. Put me down for One Sequel.

The film's budget became slightly more plump when Chris D'Elia was systematically removed from every frame of the movie because he's fucking gross, which created an opening for Tig Notaro - one of my favorite comedians - to continue her incursion into pop culture as the go-to Wry Jokester through green screen wizardry. I mean, I was already obsessed; the finale to her most recent Netflix special is one of the most incredible pieces of comic execution I've ever seen. I was delighted when she materialized in Star Trek: Discovery, and she's welcome to manifest at any stage of production in the shows I'm going to watch. I guess it costs a few million to get her injected into a movie in post, to which I reply, "Only a few million?"

Oh! My friend Sam at Ars Technica wrote his little heart out on a review of Knockout City, but because it was written in the past where idiots dwell and not the perpetually born future which knits itself together as we watch, he couldn't have known the things we learned when the playlists changed: namely, that the 4v4 mode they just added has no dodgeballs in it, except when your allies roll up and become balls themselves. It's fucking bonkers. On the cosmetic side, they did something kind of interesting with the store: outfits and gloves have a base purchase, which is normal for the space, but they have really significant variants per item that you can only unlock with Style Chips, and Style Chips can only be earned through play. I've been judicious with my (ahem) "holobux" thus far, and I feel like if I buy more of the internal currency with actual money it'll be for this reason: they made something beautiful and I want it to live.

I will be reprising my 2pm PDT Golgolfa! Stream on Twitch in a world where literally every person I usually do this stream with has either gotten a new job, has a doctor's appointment, or took nighttime medicine at eleven in the morning and now they're asleep. But nothing will turn me away from my task, which is to join balls and holes in holy matrimony.

(CW)TB out.

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